Monday, April 27, 2009

grace for all my sin

I have backslidden greatly from an evangelistic, missional, and eternal mindset to satisfying my flesh momentarily with food that satisfies the taste buds and entertainment that satisfies the mind and laziness that satisfies the body. I have backslidden from a heart of worship towards the Lord to a heart of worship for self. Doing whatever I want when I want it with the idea that I am entitled to what I want whatever the cost. Putting myself first instead of killing my flesh and its desires and doing those things that please God. Leading a life of NO discipline but instead a life of 'enslaving' freedom to do what pleases me in the moment. The worthiness of Christ doesn't weigh heavy on my heart anymore. Doing all things for the glory of God is not the foremost desire of my heart. I don't fear God. I spend most Sundays crying through songs instead of singing them because of sorrow over my sinful state and not wanting to remain there but knowing that when I leave I will fall again to the same sins that brought me shame and sorrow. But there is grace for all my sin. I know the truth, the great and precious promises of God, but my heart is sluggish in really believing them and my mind is slow to remember them. I think more on how I'm doing than what God's word says about me that I am righteous in Christ. I continually adopt legalism thinking that my good works earn me God's grace and when I fall short of my own standards I live defeated. I forget God's grace. I forget that God has once for all made me righteous before Him when He clothed me with His Son. I forget that I can do nothing more to please God in regards to earning His favor. I forget that my service to Him should be a response to His love for me instead of ways to gain favor in God's eyes and in the eyes of those who are watching. Service to God shouldn't be about making me feel good about myself spiritually but should be about joy in the gospel. I'm given over to pride way more often than I would like. Pride permeates my flesh and thoughts and deeds. It makes me sick. If it weren't for Christ my sin would overwhelm me. I'm not thankful in my heart towards God like I ought to be for the great salvation and amazing grace He's given me. Honestly my heart spurns it as if I'm saying to God "Why did you give me something that I can't live worthy of?" My flesh wants no part in this and my Spirit right now is hardly more than a spark, maybe more like a coal with a little bit of glow left. But a good friend always told me, "Remember in the dark what God told you in the light." So, in the darkness, in the absence of zeal for the Lord and a lack of rising emotions to bless His name I will remember that there is grace for all my sin.

Some may say, are being too hard on yourself. I would say no I'm not. I am simply pouring out what God has revealed to me. As painful as it is to see the depths of my sin (and I haven't shared it all) I'm thankful for this wilderness in my life because I know my God is good and He is sanctifying me right now so that in time there will be a beautiful display of fruit in my life for His glory and a faith that will result in praise and honor and glory when Christ returns. Because of that I will endure by God's grace the trials that come my way. And I can see God's faithfulness to me and evidences of His grace in that in the weakest time of my life I am a part of a local body that is full of strong, gifted, wise believers that faithfully preach God's word and spur me on to righteousness.

And I must say that God has blessed me with an amazing husband who has been an example of Christ to me in the patience he has with me in my sinfulness. And he prays for me...and makes me breakfast!!

Please pray that I would have discipline in every area of my life, that I would grow in Christ, and that joy would overflow in my life. And please pray for Jason and I as we spend the rest of our lives together, learning each other, and seeking how to make God known.

Thank you for reading.